The things you can't share
by scorsby
Summary: How does it feel when your two best friends get together? Pretty bloody weird actually. James's view on Sirius & Remus.


How does it feel when your two best friends- not including Peter because he doesn't count, (why does he never count?)- get together?

Pretty bloody weird actually.

Lil says I'm over-reacting, says that nothing's different really, only they're both a lot happier. I suppose that that's true in a way. But its different for girls, I know that_. Everyone_ knows that. They always say that all girls want a gay best friend, and Lil and Remus are about as close as you can get.

It used to bother me actually- their closeness- I used to be jealous. Guess that's not so much of an issue now.

Remus told Lily long before I found out. She told me so herself once it'd all come out into the open.

"Really James, you shouldn't be so surprised. Rem told me weeks ago. Did Sirius not say anything to you?"

I hadn't replied. Because, privately, I felt sort of hurt that Sirius hadn't chosen to confide in me, that Remus and Lil were better friends than Sirius and I- sworn blood brothers. It hurt.

But I said nothing as I congratulated them. I think Remus noticed that my smile was a bit off, however he didn't press me about it as he normally would. I guess he was too preoccupied elsewhere.

I think though that they sensed my discomfort. They always seem to go out of their way to make sure there is no contact between them when I'm around, no hugging or handholding. Nothing. I'd think it was unnatural if I wasn't acutely aware that it was due to me.

And I'd feel kind of bad except for the small part of me which is relieved.

Lil knows. She understands- sort of. She's been the only one I've been able to talk to about all this, since Sirius would have been my natural confidant and there's obviously no way I can talk to him, and she says she knows how I feel. She wants me to talk to them, get it out in the open and

"For gods sake James, stop moping!"

I suppose I ought to, for Lil's and Remus's sakes if not my own. I know they're both worried about me.

I would confide in Peter, only he's so dense he probably isn't aware of what's going on anyway. Well, that's not true. But he does seem to be supremely unconcerned. It's amazing what the powers of getting laid can do to a person.

Me and Lil have been going out too long for that kind of instantaneous pleasure to work for me, to make me forget.

Well, that's not true either. But its over all to quickly and I'm back to reality soon after to continue, as Lily says, my wallowing.

Remus tried to have a talk with me yesterday.

"James, are you alright- really? Lily says you're feeling depressed and we- and Sirius- are worried about you. Can I help in any way?"

And I, like the Gryffendor coward I was, bolted from the room, muttering some half-arsed excuse about having broom oiling practice- what ever the hell that was.

He had just sat there and watched me leave, with that same knowing, regretful smile they all seem to wear when talking to me.

Even Pete, in his own little well-meaning, roundabout way, attempted to console me.

"C'mon James. It's not like, about… you know. Yeah? I mean just… go with it, yeah? Or not? James you're all right yeah? Okay then. Uhuh, cool. Good. Will you help me with my charms homework?"

They had all tried reasoning with me, except for the one person who I most wanted to hear it from. My ex-brother, Sirius.

And not about the "relationship" or whatever, I could get over that in time; but the fact that Sirius hadn't confided in me, hadn't shared it all with me, the worries, the uncertainty, the concerns. Didn't allow me to celebrate as a knowing insider who helped to bring it all together, as I always do. The collaborator, the organiser, the planner. The fact that he didn't trust me enough.

I had though that nothing could come between us- we had always shared everything in the past, fears, anxieties, happiness- I just hadn't reckoned on him falling in love.

But there is absolutely no was I am telling him how I feel. If he can keep his secrets to himself then I can too. No matter how much I feel it straining against me, however much I long to get it off my chest. Easy peasy, no problem.

I can see him now, on the other side of the room, talking with Remus and Lil, all three of them looking worried and casting furtive glances in my direction.

I rustle my newspaper slightly, and stick my feet on the small round table in front of the fire.

I am the picture of carefree, relaxed, nonchalant and without a concern to my name.

"James?"

I jump when I hear my name, disrupting the carefully constructed image slightly. I move up on the small settee and allow Sirius to perch next to me. He's wiping his hands on his jeans- a sure sign that he's nervous.

"James, is there anything you want to talk about. Any problems or issues? You can tell me."

His voice is desperate and he looks at me pleadingly.

I half consider answering, opening my mouth in response, before shutting it again.

"No."

There are some things you can't share.


End file.
